Karan- A wounded child’s search for Identity

http://www.starplus.in/mahabharat/episodes/arjun-kills-karna/69272

The character of Karan- the illegitimate son of Kunti in the Indian epic Mahabharata has always caught my fancy since childhood. In this video, I could feel his pain of carrying the burden of proving himself all the time and being rejected for who he truly was.

A mind so bright, a soul so pure and yet he struggled all his life to find his true place in the world, his true identity- something which always eluded him.

Throughout his life, he was singled out for his not-so-high pedigree as an adopted son of a servant. He was reminded that he belonged to a lower caste even by the gatekeepers ofDharma- the Pandavas.  As the biological son of Sun God and a warrior princess, Kunti, he exhibited the valour and strength of a Kshtriya, a warrior- true to his real roots but was always humiliated and left wounded and confused about why and how he could compete with the high and the mighty princes of Kurukshetra. The society too never missed an opportunity to remind him that he belonged to the caste of servants.  

He was a better archer than Arjuna, a more accomplished and generous man than Yudhishtra and a better match to Draupadi as a husband and yet he longed to be acknowledged for his light by the world for who he was. He had to prove himself at every step and even then he was ridiculed, his dreams and aspirations stomped upon. The child, abandoned by his mother and stripped off his roots had to struggle all his life to prove his worth to a world that was oblivious to his glory, to his true bloodline. He allowed his wounds to be exploited by the wrong people who took advantage of this anguish, the insatiable thirst to belong.

It tore my heart when he in a trance state just prior to his death asks Lord Krishna whether he’ll EVER be rightfully acknowledged for his true potential? To which Lord Krishna replies-‘isn’t it a worthy proof of your valour that we had to cheat you to weaken you in the battlefield? That we have to make you forget your knowledge to defeat you? Doesn’t it prove that in your full glory, you were invincible? Is it not a proof enough, Karan?’

This acknowledgement from Lord Krishna lifted off his craving to prove himself and he realized how wrong he was to operate from the space of his wounds. The wounded soul accepted to let go of his hurt and found solace in the loving embrace of the Divine, Lord Krishna. The child who longed for his mother’s caresses found his salvation in her lap in his hour of death.

He was content now. He was free.

The Wounded Feminine

Her childlike innocence was lost and her children could no longer roam free.  Hearts closed, unconditional love was forgotten and the society broke down. Great grief was experienced at the loss of harmony and sweetness- at the loss of the great love between man and woman.

Woman lost her purity and grace and innocence in these times in her need to hold onto and to own the male, for he no longer freely supported the children of their union.  She closed her heart, could no longer trust and love unconditionally in her need to fight for and to protect her child and herself.   She longed for the times of sweet love and security and began to use her feminine power against the masculine to own him.  She lost her innocence and inner beauty and began to hate herself, turned against herself and closed down her unconditional love.

The base chakra, sacral and solar plexus hold distortions of personal power, fears regarding livelihood and security, disconnection to the physical body, sexual and intimacy distortions, lack of will and direction and issues of fear and jealousy of others’ power and of misusing own power.  Shutting down of the heart results in an inability to trust others.

Breathe deeply to acknowledge these memories and experiences, and allow karmic release to occur, releasing all memories and distortions from the chakras, with forgiveness of yourself and all others.

Our feminine is asked whether she will forgive the abuses against her, forgive the masculine?

All of the feminine are asked if they will forgive the lack of respect and honour they have endured for several generations? This wounded Feminine needs her Honour and love back- this is what she has hungered for- The emptiness of the heart to be filled with love and perfection of the divine blueprint restored.

- Excerpt from an article

Love and Light- TONS of it!

A Compatible Choice

The world is full of endless possibilities and opportunities and subjects which subsequently stem from them. One can become an astrologer, astronomer, a physicist, a gardener, a painter and express oneself by endless means. If practicising something gives you pain and make you miserable, it clearly shows that the choice was in-congruent to who you are and what you want.

It is not only career choices but every choice we make. If you choose to become a painter and years down the line feel that all the process of creative expression makes you miserable; no matter how much you love the output, eventually the entire effort would not make you as happy as your heart truly desires.

Credit: Brainy Quote

So what do we do now? First and foremost, remove the ‘should’ from the choice you made. ‘I loved painting once and I still do so I should be enjoying the process too’. Says who? Detach your ego from the process!

Not being able to do something isn’t about being inadequate; it is about incompatibility!

The Divine wanted all of us to be winners. He gave us free will to choose whatever we want to but what is the point of choosing to become and do things which are incompatible with our truest desires? If you choose something which makes you come alive, that IS the most compatible choice. It has got nothing to do with personal adequacy or the lack of it.

You might have loved something once but when you realize it does more harm than good to you, it is time to let it go. 

The subject of your love might not be bad in general; it just is incompatible to you. Let it go and make a choice that truly expresses your energy.

Love and Light!

It has ALWAYS been YOU!

"We are the people we are waiting for. We must step up and take the reins. There is no one else. Just us."

Beautiful lines- aren’t they? Life is all about relationships. We have a relationship with everyone and everything that affects us in our lives. Though we tend to forget and neglect the most important and our first relationship- with ourselves.

Look into the mirror and what looks back at you sometimes feels like a stranger. ‘This is not me’- you say and yet a part of you knows that it is you- the unfamiliar, the unexplored facet of you. The unfamiliar has rushed in to let you know what you forgot amidst all your other relationships. It has come to your aid to lift up the illusion that you are alone and bored.

The unfamiliar though sometimes scary also builds up the excitement of the possibility of exploring a new part of you. You are at ground zero- you’ve lost everything around and within you that was once familiar. Would it all come back or is it gone forever? This ground gives you a clean slate; to forge your first ever relationship- with you; A relationship of unconditional love, respect and acceptance.

‘Would I be full of myself, oblivious of the world around me?’ she asked.

‘Tell me what you truly feel?’ the unfamiliar questioned back.

‘I know I have been running around trying to find myself. I don’t know you and yet I feel drawn to the promise of a beautiful future with you. I hold a void within me which I know can never be filled by the world. There is no salvation but Now. There is no love but Me. Is there not?’

The unfamiliar gave a gleeful chuckle and encouraged her to go on.

‘I have been swayed by losses and gains of material and emotional nature. What if I lose this? What if I lose them? I did lose them! I am all alone! Is there meaning to life? Does God exist? If He does, does He care?’ she said with a distant look, tracing back the ordeal she has lived through.

‘You have been SO brave.  Now tell me- does all of the above matter?’ the unfamiliar asked with a tender and loving concern.

She smiled for the first time and responded- ‘Now it doesn’t. I know I have Me, my biggest love. I am not a piece of paper drifting through the wind without an anchor. Is there meaning to life? Honestly, I don’t know and I don’t care.’

‘All I know is that this existence is about relationships. The first and the last being with Me. In between, I’ll enjoy the ride with my fellow travelers and have some fun! I am the one for myself…it has always been Me.’

The unfamiliar felt a deep sense of joy hearing her say this.

And since then every time she looked into the mirror, the unfamiliar ceased feeling so unfamiliar to her.

The Changing Hues of the Sea.

How Nature changes it's hues and colors! The sea was dark blue with ripples galore when the ship was away from the mass of land. The nearer the ship came to the port ( Penang), the waters became lighter, greener, calmer. The sea knows that the ship is nearing her comfort zone and there are hardly any perils for her destined by the sea waters and it responds by changing itself to a calmer, more soothing disposition.

 Are we all not the same way? Coming back to our comfort zone after having battled challenges of the far away unknown, the most welcome of experiences? Lately, my comfort zone became the bane of my existence because I chose to remain stuck in it's comforting space.  There is no machoism in battling challenges after challenges and there is nothing wrong in resting in your comfort zone for a while. It is only when you remain there for too long is when you feel stuck.

Pushing yourself towards the unknown can be draining on the energies, it is ok to rest for a while. It is ok to seek the solace in times of great challenges. And once you have given it your all, you would realize that the erstwhile challenge has now become the new comfort zone. You conquered the perils and no matter whether the waters are bluer or greener, your ship is going to sail away like the majestic lord of the sea leaving behind the legacy of beauty in its pristine wake.

Love and Light!

A Life without Labels and the innumerable Shoulds

Unlearning is very painful especially when you are unlearning concepts about Life and Yourself. I have usually prided myself for being different than the average person and truly believed in the concept of uniqueness and our divine connection to a Higher Power. I still do but there has been a paradigm shift taking place which is making me question the very concept of uniqueness.

Over the many years of our existence, a lot of labels get attached to us. Some are given to us by society and some we assume for ourselves depending on our perceptions about ourselves. Those labels form a major part of who we think we are, our self esteem and determines our relationship with the world- inner and outer

Labeled? Terms and Conditions always apply!

I became aware of my first label at age 4 when my dad’s friend lovingly called me ‘Daroga ji’ which is a hindi word for a police inspector. I was outspoken, unfazed, super confident, charming and had an air of self assurance and authority which was unusual for a girl and that too for my family and that too for a 4 year old! I was different from my family. I read that as special.

My birth chart and my personality traits reminded my grand mom of a special divine providence. I may have been different. I read that as special.

I was the only girl who could compete with boys at school sports and who also pulled off decent grades. I was different than most girls. I read that as special.

My family is a conformist. I am not. I am different. I read that as special.

My family only has science graduates. I graduated in Commerce. I am different. I read that as special.

My elders have been authority figures for many formidable family and individual decisions. They didn’t have any authority over me. I was different. I read that as special.

In a family of businessmen and service professionals, I wanted to be a social worker and adopt monkhood. I was different. I read that as special.

In an environment where people had regular ambitions of family, work, kids and retirement, I was contemplating the meaning of life. I was different. I read that as special.

A career test revealed I am a living dichotomy. I was different. I read that as special.

I have a personality type which is the rarest of all types. I was different. I read that as special.

How many times do we read being different as special and may be even superior? I became a ready recipe for exploitation by my own mind and other different people who openly claimed to be special. Their ideas fanned mine and perpetuated this false notion. Who wants to be ordinary when you have all the while been extraordinary?!

There is beauty in being simple.

For the longest time in my life, I have felt disconnected from my fellow beings for being different (read special!) and suffered volatile rise and steep falls in my self esteem. I have been termed complex, difficult and sometimes even eccentric. All these labels created a false sense of self and made me believe the illusion that I created and which the world fed. To think of oneself as special takes away the connection with the world we live in. The notion feeds the ego- a false sense of self.

When Life is making me strip off ALL these labels and see myself as ME, it is surely painful but a wonderful blessing as well. It is difficult to accept that ordinary is good. The world over exaggerates the worth of complexities. To be able to grasp and solve them gives us an intellectual and psychological high which sometimes makes us overlook simple things and treat them as unimportant. Simple is powerful.

Being different is being unique…just like everyone else is. I am Me. There are no rules to live by- only the ones I make for myself because I know they work for me. Am I dumb? No. Am I a better person than you? Definitely not! I have begun to hang up my judgmental boots and the weighing scale for I now understand that there is no wisdom in figuring out life than it is in living it. (Honestly, I have started to hate the word wisdom now! Are there halos?? :P)

Is it easy? Trust me, it isn’t but who said Life would be easy? They just said it will be worth it!

Love and Light!

Let go of the past and the past will let go of you.

Letting go of the past, cutting cords from it and moving on is NOT abandoning a part of you. Letting go doesn’t mean that you ruthlessly cut off ties with your past and bury it under the carpet. There is no intelligence in remaining stuck in the past and giving it your lifelong allegiance under a misguided notion of support and love. To forsake your present and your future for the past; is it an intelligent choice? To dishonor the present in order to validate the past is foolish. And are you empowering your past personality by remaining with it or just feeding the pain and hurt and remaining in a vicious cycle which goes nowhere?

The past remains there and must remain there. There is no point in carrying the burden wherever you go just to feed a false notion of love and support. It is not always necessary to understand the past. The key lies in healing, forgiveness and assimilating the wisdom it brings but it doesn’t make sense to live the trauma again and again. Allow it to rest in peace; to set it free from your expectations of what it could be; to free yourself from guilt and regret. That part of you remains in the continuum of time and space but it doesn’t have to dominate your present. Bring the present to light, validate its existence.

Evolution is forward. No phase is better than the other. The past served its purpose but now it must be let gone to honour the present. It is time to move to a new pasture and sow seeds for a new garden. The same patch of land no longer serves you and it is ok to leave it there. There is infinite space to grow. A canvas can only be painted once. Painting the same canvas again and again doesn’t create a new picture; it just spoils the original and makes it look ugly. Don’t try to rewrite the past; get a new canvas and paint a new picture- a picture which reflects better choices and expresses who you are more beautifully than you did in the past. You have the colours; use them well.

Love and Light!

...and the Phoenix rises!

Oh well! What a ride it has been till now. I am back to the blog after what feels like a lifetime. I have changed in many ways all this while and at first thought of leaving this space and creating a new one to document and share the lessons I've learnt and continue to learn on this amazing journey of transformation- of metamorphosing into a beautiful butterfly, owning up and being totally aware of the innate beauty.

And suddenly my mind said- ' what the heck?! Go ahead, recreate this space, share the new and embrace without holding back all that is YOU! This space will stand testimony to the change and would reflect the new you!'

And so here I am, back at this address of Expanding Horizons because this is what is truly me. I appreciate the freedom and expansion part more now :)

I am in a phase of realising that the freedom I was always looking for was from the self imposed limitations I had set on myself. I can't do this. I am too young. I am too old. I am not good enough. I am too good. Etc, etc, etc. I was constantly judging myself as either inferior or superior to people around me. What an idiocy!

I realise I am beautiful, unique, magnificent not in exclusion of everything or everyone around me but as part of WHAT IS! I AM; just as YOU ARE. We are all beautiful, destined for greatness; it is just that some people are more aware of their greatness and act on it.

It is time I stopped hiding from the world; of playing small; of holding back. I might as well live a life covered with bruises of adventure than sit and rust away in idleness. I don't wish to process my baggage here, just contemplate and introspect on life's deeper meaning and the insights that come through cleansing and healing that baggage.  It is time of being reborn and the prospects of a new life are thrilling, exhilarating, challenging and sometimes dead scary. 

I hope this time words won't bereave me as they did earlier; the need to write and express is greater than ever before. Writing this blog is just one baby step of putting myself out there, to share, to express, to create, TO BE. 

Love Forever!